tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79577355275036159202024-02-08T08:21:43.237-05:00The Afterblog(hope it doesn't scare you)candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04395163846146800858noreply@blogger.comBlogger220125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-28162706581244079642018-05-19T01:27:00.002-04:002018-05-19T01:27:47.433-04:00Might As WellI sleep a bit more than I used to, but still there are many nights I am awake. After the logging. More and more though, instead of coming here or going elsewhere to indulge my addiction to writing and sharing, I distract myself with phone games while listening to background TV. Too real, the delusional distraction life. So normal, so sad, so futile. Meaningless, only if no one cares. Wondering candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-46763938765892938162018-05-06T02:47:00.000-04:002018-05-06T18:13:12.643-04:00Hard ChoicesReal? After all the blogging is done, after all the pains and heartaches of betrayals and abuse, after all the struggles to survive, after all hope seems gone for good and valid reason, I still want to laugh about it like some sort of secret I forget now and then, but from the beginning, all I wanted here was the truth, the uninhibited, unabashed, truth unencumbered by any of the social candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-9420879141225192932018-05-01T04:04:00.000-04:002018-05-06T18:11:01.722-04:00ClarityClarity comes in many ways, but only in one form. Each year I celebrate in my own mind and way, in written words, the beginning and end of true, honest, unconditional love and trust. The day I moved from wanting to believe and believing blindly to wanting to believe and not believing without empirical evidence. The day I separated love from trust. The day I completed my conscious psychological candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-55199948367738326142017-04-30T02:27:00.000-04:002018-05-06T02:28:02.153-04:00The Truth Is... Nobody CaresA final line from an old X-Files episode. I have so much proof of the truth in the title, yet somehow, after facing the reality of evidence of truth that nobody cares, I still care and want to share caring and if I can, someone else can so I will not give up, never surrender. That is why I started this blog, to find out how I feel after all else fails, after all the other writing is done, after candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-77901483144997466982017-03-25T02:06:00.000-04:002018-05-06T03:22:04.167-04:00New Life Starts Here, Sort OfFeeling betrayed by friends who claimed to care, friends I helped when they needed help, but somehow hope remains after all the pain and tears, hope remains. This month new income starts and new place to live is found and some sort of independent life, lonelier than ever, begins again. A long year and a half almost, all I had was my softball and some game nights with friends. One thing being downcandoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-46944647374655966222016-12-01T01:57:00.000-05:002018-05-06T03:20:11.139-04:00People Are StrangeSo many years ago on this night I lost everything that mattered to my heart. It happened a few times after that and twice, everything else outside of my heart was gone too leaving me on the street. This year a friend came along to help but then decided he didn't want to and put me out of a garage he doesn't even use with nowhere to go and then another friend gave me a place to stay. My candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-65179902672583105652016-05-11T01:52:00.000-04:002018-05-06T03:13:58.575-04:00In The Care Of FriendsLucky I am to be cared for by friends. When income is gone, when the person I depended on is gone, when savings dwindles, a friend comes through with a bed for a while. With too much time on my hands I could easily be depressed and who knows, maybe I am. You know there are a lot of other blogs, daily and more, where you can find much more detail if you want much more detail. After all that candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-25300678171982626552016-01-09T01:28:00.000-05:002018-05-19T01:37:25.201-04:00Mistaken for Memory. MaybeAll the tired entries filling in, how're we s'posed to know where truth begins. a dozen or more, the entries that weren't there at the time are suddenly there now as if they always were there. The thing is, if you follow the daily life in the real world (and if you don't know where to find it by now, you just aren't looking. Or noticing. Or reading, really. Not to mention not clicking lol. Yeah, candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-89760677911180568812015-12-06T01:42:00.000-05:002018-05-06T03:22:49.233-04:00New ChallengesWe had to let our dog go. Poor baby couldn't stand to eat or poop anymore. Then the job let me go, but I can still stand to eat and poop. Then, the long time roommate and BFF said she's moving out. Dogless, jobless, friendless, and soon to be homeless. Nothing I haven't gone through before, but surely it is not fun when it all happens at once. Like it did before. I am such a lucky kid. Yet still,candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-4372033944825653182015-11-04T11:08:00.000-05:002018-05-13T11:57:42.538-04:00NumbIt couldn't have come at a worse time in the flow of this life. The foretelling was happening all yer and now, no income. Thank goodness I have a roommate, though she doesn't pay half the bills most of the time, so financial concerns are high. Savings will keep us afloat a while. The apathy undermining this year (as exhibited by the increasing and constant physical bloat) has lead to frustrationscandoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-67624341125592012982015-10-11T10:54:00.000-04:002018-05-13T11:07:43.078-04:00Pain, and More ApproachingThe pain of loss. This year has been overworked, over-pressured, overwrought with too much work away from home (though I love the work and the idea of the organization, those running it are severely flawed and heading in an opposite direction) and too much unresolved conflict (betrayal and usery and abuse) at home (though I love my roommate, Jackson, who calls me BFF, she does not seem to candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-17917287058029866902015-09-12T01:32:00.000-04:002018-05-13T10:53:16.735-04:00How Much Do You Miss?The title question offers so many paths and choices, but ultimately the question is what do you want to know? followed on almost every path by how much do you want to know? and then,after some time and interaction, we can come to the question how much do you miss (or how much did you miss, for that matter, if it matters). For instance, on the single topic of the personal relationship with my bestcandoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-1758110458785364452015-08-31T00:39:00.001-04:002015-08-31T00:39:56.142-04:00not gone, just sleepingnot much change since the this entry as work and softball are occupying more time than every and while there is sadness in not having time (or perhaps in accepting the loses of those closest who just don't want to be close anymore) to stay close to anyone, there is pleasure and satisfaction in the work and the softball... still, the written gardens grow... excitement exploded when a way back to candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-24357596380502731532015-07-11T01:24:00.000-04:002018-05-13T10:14:44.424-04:00As If We Were Always HereThe next entry will allude to the time away from this blog, but if you've been reading chronologically then that might seem puzzling. As is often the case, the confusion is no longer confusion if you understand the process. Sometimes year may pas without an entry and then, when time permits and inspiration calls, a flurry of entries fill the gaps in time between entries. More than a dozen such candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-83377526720189087782015-06-06T00:38:00.000-04:002018-05-13T01:24:32.968-04:00Endless DistractonsThere appear to be endless distractions and yet, even when the party is full swing and everything is beautiful in it's own way, the bottom line is real and the unresolved betrayals and unexplained abuse does not simply disappear, even if most people somehow forget (or act like they do). The silence is deafening to those who hear it. Happy days come to an end and the night comes, here, in the candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-46861743969306490342015-05-01T05:10:00.000-04:002018-05-12T13:36:56.464-04:00I Was Small Once Too Referencing The First of May, no doubt. Don't forget... something, but I forget what I am not supposed to forget. I am happier babbling though. Still living through a very challenging year as dangling participles and loose ends haunt the daily living space. A life without resolutions and closures is not an easy way to be. Still, I can remember the simple times, the times before betrayal, the candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-3529075863591515632015-04-06T05:04:00.000-04:002018-05-12T05:09:49.912-04:00When Reason FailsThe title may be profound, but like the previous entry, or this one and the ones that follow it, there is sometimes no point other than to shout we are here, we are here, we are here at the top of our lungs in the hope that someone might notice and save us from an endless abyss of loneliness, monotony, and futility. When the body fails, it can hurt. When the mind fails, reason fails, and who candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-34597948342558222272015-03-14T04:58:00.000-04:002018-05-12T05:03:47.674-04:00Missing Titles Are Signs The previous entry expresses the truth at the depths of the core as I experience it and it should be no coincidence that it was dated on the birthday of the most gentle adult child I ever knew, a best friend who called me the love of her life even though I said I wasn't. Another BFF with the second F silent. So much loneliness since then, but then, when the core is not shared, there is candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-48837255480718219922015-02-22T04:52:00.000-05:002018-05-12T04:58:03.718-04:00Am I Alright?Of course I am, I was born alright and don't know how to be anything but alright, deep down. I have earned how to not be alright on the surface though. How to get lost in the superficial drama of human interactions, power trips, betrayals of trust, and so on. Humans can be so unkind. It is a foolish illusion I create and allow simply to fend of the reality of loneliness and the agony of candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-12761446217518082222015-01-24T21:56:00.002-05:002015-01-24T21:59:00.519-05:00is it vulnerable?after all the writing elsewhere, serious irreverence and vice versa intense and nonsense and blah blah blah and deep meaningful confession, here, alone, i sit back and welcome rest and sleep and you... i mean, just in case you ever find me... the loneliness is light these days because there is so much to occupy my time, work i love and softball leave not enough time for long deep sleeps so candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-17460845777920122872014-12-16T23:30:00.000-05:002018-05-06T01:28:13.864-04:00i am still hereand i must have said it before because this blog has been here for years now (going on nine, see?), always wanting more as i do after all the public shows and dances are all done i am still here wanting more love, more sharing, and more fun i am still here wanting more caring, more sharing, and more fun...
candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-54766855456734066602014-11-16T23:38:00.000-05:002015-01-25T00:02:10.461-05:00semi-lonelyi would likely be a lot lonelier if i had time to realize how little i share outside of work and softball, work and softball, work and softball, work work work... yes, that is three days of softball each week (at least)( and six days of work each week (at least) and almost no time for anything else cuz i actually try to sleep these days which severely cuts into any socializing i might do, alas, candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-60030387951377874152014-10-21T00:03:00.000-04:002015-01-25T00:13:35.021-05:00memories of dreamingthere was a time when i remembering dreaming occasionally, but even that was not the experience i've known in this life when it comes to dreams... my memories of dreaming are of day dreaming and conscious dreaming, wanting, longing, wishing for something to happen, for someone to come into my life to share everything forever and ever so completely, they are all that matter... the hopelessly candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-66946372544999579662014-09-20T04:35:00.000-04:002018-05-12T04:51:01.510-04:00Life Today, ThenSo often I am just filling time, space, gaps. Filling in the gaps of loneliness, fatigue, working too much, not being appreciated, experiencing an aging physical body, lamenting over being taken for granted and used, sleeping on the couch because I no longer feel I am safe or comfortable in this space, and the never ending always repeating pounding of loneliness. Life today, then, is what was andcandoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7957735527503615920.post-52859258382979813262014-08-16T03:37:00.000-04:002018-05-12T04:35:27.603-04:00TemporaryIt becomes so clear sometimes here, after all the blogging is done for a day, the perpective we perceive is based as much, if not ore, on our choices as it is on the circumstances and stimuli around us.
candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0