what's going on?

here we sit so all alone, well, i sit, you sleep... unless you are awake and if you are awake, what's going on?... what are you doing?... are your hands too busy to type and tell me? (do i want to know what your hands are doing?... take a picture if you dare lol)... some nights i just want to play and i shall play with words and imaginary friends (or imaginary readers) when nobody stays awake with me (peter?... john?... james?... oh shaddup lol)... it is now, after the blogging is over (realatively speaking cuz it's never actually over until it's over, as lenny kravitz might have said, but each day, or sleep cycle at least, there is some sort of illusion of conclusion and then, here we are, so there), and i really really really want to know (oh oh), what's going on?...

too independent

and this title may explain why i remain alone in spite of the constant craving for sharing... i am too independent for co-dependency and i don't know if humans know how to bond intimately and share everything without some degree of co-dependency... it is a delusion, just like the other delusions humans accept and defend - often with maximum prejudice and force... and while the shared illusion of falling in love is one of the most wonderful experiences we can created in this life, it is illusion... denial does not change the fact... alas, when will they ever learn?...

obviously lonely

while the hunger the share everything is constant somewhere deep inside so there is always some loneliness floating around like clouds, even when they are invisible, sometimes dark stormy clouds come and swamp me and i just sit sorta brooding wishing someone would come alone someone save my life tonight and all the lonely songs play in my mind cuz only the lonely know how it feels to be so lonesome i could die ya know?... but as harry wisely reminds me, everybody's lonely... that's what it's all about so i sigh and continue enjoying the moments of life even during these storms when there is not as much sharing as i want... i miss music... i miss hugs... i miss loving... cupid shrugs...

so sad

this blog can be so sad... just sitting here waiting for someone to share, for someone to care, for someone to be aware that i'm here, just sitting here waiting for someone to... appear... imagine if i returned every night and faced the loneliness underlying this blog, sheesh, what a depression this hole would become... and yet, in the fact that i survive between entries without losing grip on the desire, the hunger, or the optimism - therein is the beauty and wonder and excitement that comes from this occasional expression of frustration and hope that is the afterblog...

staring into space

some nights are like that, or this, perhaps, just staring into space with so much on my mind that nothing comes to the surface beyond a quiet complacency, a peaceful acceptance of what is as it is and nothing more (except for the all the other stuff swimming through the mind)... maybe it's something tomorrow might explain better, or music, for that matter (talk about opening windows)...

i wish you peace tonight...

here?... where?...

i want to share but no one's here so once again i write... i want to share, hey are you there?... i'm calling you tonight... i want to share, oh fudge, i want fudge too... would you share if i had fudge?... do you have fudge?... where?

still awake (still longing)

and i am still longing for someone to share it all and alament over the probability that you miss it all, or most of it, no matter how many different ways i try to share it, point you to it, wishing and hoping for your attention... even as as i love every minute of it all by myself, there is the dream of someone staying awake with me and sharing it all...

and it could be that i am just deluding myself into believing my few minutes (or hours, sometimes) a day putting videos online in my own pop news blog (that amuses me with stories and information I find in the news or on youtube or somewhere, some tongue in cheek, some controversial, some serious, some irreverent) or in my more personal video me blog (where I put videos that touch me, reflect me, affect me, and in some ways, represent me)… and the time I take to write words in my current daily life blog which is what it is, a record of the life I live and it matters to me…

even if no one ever cares to share any of it…

and after i do all that, still more is here, in the afterblog, the tip of the rest of all i want to share in the real world... and all the rest of the writings are a fraction of what is offline, but still you miss the bullsugar and all the rest and even the deleted pages (which I will do my best to find and re-upload one day cuz I care, again, even if nobody else ever does), they matter, i come here hoping somebody will find it all and share it all someday…

what?

your loss

yeah, talking 'bout more words 'n stuff, yup, gotcha some more out there and you missed again, cuz, after all, you missed this one (duh, obviously, as if you cared {enough}, yo... truth, word. hey, right, like could've been mean, aye? :)

no seriously, your loss...

not all loneliness

but a whole lot of the reason for the afterblog is to respect the hunger, the desire, the passion for sharing that keeps me awake when all others fall alseep... as if the 'regular' blogs are read regularly and there is sharing regularly, the lament of will no one stay awake with me seems so noble or poetic or dramatic or something... but the sad fact is i am alone before during and after blogging... cuz nobody loves the written word as i do... and nobody wants to share as i do... and nobody is here as i am... at least not near enough to notice... so i blog on the hope it might happen... and i afterblog on the hope it will happen again...

cuz i don't want to miss a thing...

alone again, but is it really natural?

as if anyone cares, aye?... i babbled on for years, i wrote letters with all my heart and imagination and devotion to reading and understanding and communicating with people... i care actively, giving away most everything just to help others because it feels good to see others smile... i write rhymes... i even write a daily blog about daily stuff that may seem self-indulgent or boring, but i do it because i want to share life with someone... and still, alone again... here, in the afterblog, i wonder why...

midnight questions

who am i talking to anyway?
imaginary readers?
potential friends in the physical world?
gonna run?
gonna hide?
gonna come out?
gonna come inside?
gonna let me in?
show me where you've been?
show me who you are?
now near, how far?
whatever, we are who, we are what, we are where
we are
we are
we are
we…
never mind the obvious child
wake me when we get to why...

why afterblog

i am still awake because i crave stimulation, intellectual and emotional stimulation most of all, which is why i am browsing the internet cuz if i just wanted physical stimulation i can always masturbate... perhaps there is a way to have it all... playfully, with full disclosure and informed consent, of course... see what happens when i get bored, poor thing, little did she expect to be immortalized in the afterblog... laughter is addictive though :)

counting the zeros

often i am told how much my words mean to the world, to people i have never met or may never meet, to people who will read the words in some future time...

and i wonder how that is possible when 90% of what i write is ignored or missed and 90% of the other 10% is left without response... and those i once thought close drift off and out of touch...

counting the zeros in front of the word comments...

spent all my time waiiting

only to find out that second chance was null and void almost a decade ago... would have been nice to have known...

did you ever see city of angels, the film, the story, the life?...

i mean, did you ever really see city of angels?

one.

latent consistency

if, in the end, i came here every night after everything else and wrote something meaningful, something profound, or even just something that i wanted to share, innocuous, personal, general, specific, serious, irreverence, nonsense, or whatever... something just for you, just before bed, just the curl up nod off sweet dreams thoughts that i leave in the custody of your arms as i sleep...

would it matter in the end if you missed an entry?

connectivity

Sometimes it appears, sometimes it may not, and sometimes we might wonder if it is really ever here.

It is always here, even when it is not.

yeah, so whatever

What am I doing awake? I have a full day conference tomorrow during which staying awake will be challenging enough on a full night's sleep and here I am still wide-eyed and wishing someone would find me, love me, and share some meaningful moments with me. Fool or pathetic hopelessly hopeful romantic dreamer. You oughta know.

What's the difference?

irony and distraction

I've been so much busier with things other than writing and online adventures of late, the cupboard is relatively bare, and yet, the blog posts flow as if i've never been away, even as nobody noticed. Mayhaps you have all been as busy, or at least as distracted, as me. Time is such a fickle friend.

slipping in the mystery

Because there is so much fun in the scariness of instability when the unknown surrounds the senses and all that's left is hope, but hope can be the most exciting thing when fed just right. Are you just right for me or am I just right for you? The answer is the beginning or end, depending on whether they are the same or different.

The secret is in the telling.

maybe...maybe i'm wrong...

to go on thinking, to sing my song...

slowly