Might As Well

I sleep a bit more than I used to, but still there are many nights I am awake. After the logging. More and more though, instead of coming here or going elsewhere to indulge my addiction to writing and sharing, I distract myself with phone games while listening to background TV. Too real, the delusional distraction life. So normal, so sad, so futile. Meaningless, only if no one cares. Wondering about me. Somewhere in between the distractions, I've added to the bog here in years past and elsewhere, I just don't keep track or announce it the way I used to. Maybe I stopped believing anyone cares. Maybe I stopped caring if anyone cares... at any price. Still, after the blogging, loneliness swallow me whole.

And how are you?

Hard Choices

Real? After all the blogging is done, after all the pains and heartaches of betrayals and abuse, after all the struggles to survive, after all hope seems gone for good and valid reason, I still want to laugh about it like some sort of secret I forget now and then, but from the beginning, all I wanted here was the truth, the uninhibited, unabashed, truth unencumbered by any of the social conventions or distractions of current daily life (as opposed to the daily life that was daily life before this afterblog went into hibernation). Once again I have proof that human beings cannot be trusted and still, no matter what happens, hope lives.

Any other choice would be the hard choice.

Clarity

Clarity comes in many ways, but only in one form. Each year I celebrate in my own mind and way, in written words, the beginning and end of true, honest, unconditional love and trust. The day I moved from wanting to believe and believing blindly to wanting to believe and not believing without empirical evidence. The day I separated love from trust. The day I completed my conscious psychological separation from humanity. The written gardens became my refuge my home, and the afterblog was born. Here, between the lines, beyond the words, in the private tranquility of peace within my mind... I create clarity.

The Truth Is... Nobody Cares

A final line from an old X-Files episode. I have so much proof of the truth in the title, yet somehow, after facing the reality of evidence of truth that nobody cares, I still care and want to share caring and if I can, someone else can so I will not give up, never surrender. That is why I started this blog, to find out how I feel after all else fails, after all the other writing is done, after all hope is gone.

Still, it turns me on.

New Life Starts Here, Sort Of

Feeling betrayed by friends who claimed to care, friends I helped when they needed help, but somehow hope remains after all the pain and tears, hope remains. This month new income starts and new place to live is found and some sort of independent life, lonelier than ever, begins again. A long year and a half almost, all I had was my softball and some game nights with friends. One thing being down and out does is it lets you know who really cares. Just one gave me what I needed, all others abandoned me. Still, they invite me to play games and ask me for help when they need it. Did I mention people are strange?

More and more I wonder just how I manage to stay hopeful that someone who will really care.

People Are Strange

So many years ago on this night I lost everything that mattered to my heart. It happened a few times after that and twice, everything else outside of my heart was gone too leaving me on the street. This year a friend came along to help but then decided he didn't want to and put me out of a garage he doesn't even use with nowhere to go and then another friend gave me a place to stay. My self-proclaimed BFF, well, betrayal and abandonment is a tough pill to swallow. This has been a very challenging year for living and I am almost ready to finally give up on life, but still, here, after all the blogging, I still long for love, for companionship, for partnership, for more.

How I keep hoping is a mystery, but I do.

In The Care Of Friends

Lucky I am to be cared for by friends. When income is gone, when the person I depended on is gone, when savings dwindles, a friend comes through with a bed for a while. With too much time on my hands I could easily be depressed and who knows, maybe I am. You know there are a lot of other blogs, daily and more, where you can find much more detail if you want much more detail. After all that blogging, I still find words want more as I want more and that brings joy and hope for more. The hurt, the concern for survival, the deep longing for love keeps me awake.

So I come here again, hoping.

Mistaken for Memory. Maybe

All the tired entries filling in, how're we s'posed to know where truth begins. a dozen or more, the entries that weren't there at the time are suddenly there now as if they always were there. The thing is, if you follow the daily life in the real world (and if you don't know where to find it by now, you just aren't looking. Or noticing. Or reading, really. Not to mention not clicking lol. Yeah, so, anyway... perhaps we are a year behind here in memories and that may mean a year will be skipped to catch up to the present, but never give up, never surrender, we shall overcome. Someday. It's been a challenging year, one that stains memory with pain and torment and stress and betrayal and abandonment and death and loneliness. Who wants to remember all that in detail. No wonder it's distracted and skipped, mostly. Sort of.

You can fill in your gaps too, ya know?

New Challenges

We had to let our dog go. Poor baby couldn't stand to eat or poop anymore. Then the job let me go, but I can still stand to eat and poop. Then, the long time roommate and BFF said she's moving out. Dogless, jobless, friendless, and soon to be homeless. Nothing I haven't gone through before, but surely it is not fun when it all happens at once. Like it did before. I am such a lucky kid. Yet still, after all the venting and processing and digesting and whining and crying and pity-party and why me, after the blogging is done and sleep should come, I am still hopeful. How, why, all that may be a mystery, but it is real.

All I know is here I am, even when the blogging goes silent because the pain and challenge is too much to process, I somehow begin again, still hopeful.

Numb

It couldn't have come at a worse time in the flow of this life. The foretelling was happening all yer and now, no income. Thank goodness I have a roommate, though she doesn't pay half the bills most of the time, so financial concerns are high. Savings will keep us afloat a while. The apathy undermining this year (as exhibited by the increasing and constant physical bloat) has lead to frustrations and an unsettled (and repressed) me. Very awkward and unfamiliar territory. Hopefully things will change inside and stop the crawl toward oblivion. Wondering if anyone really cares is getting way too real and influential, cuz after all, it really doesn't matter if anyone else cares, what matters is how much I care about me.

Less than usual, alas.

Pain, and More Approaching

The pain of loss. This year has been overworked, over-pressured, overwrought with too much work away from home (though I love the work and the idea of the organization, those running it are severely flawed and heading in an opposite direction) and too much unresolved conflict (betrayal and usery and abuse) at home (though I love my roommate, Jackson, who calls me BFF, she does not seem to understand trust or love, and definitely does not do it because she doesn't trust or love herself) which leads to pain. Here we are, the afterblog pulls few punches (though distractions have filled some entries this year).

We said farewell to Happiness, our 17 year old corgi-beagle, as his muscles could no longer hold his body up long enough to poop or eat. I laid there staring into his eyes, eyes blurred by clouds of cataracts, whispering love into his ear as he wondered whatever a dog wonders when he can no longer get up to play or even breathe comfortably. Jackson needed me that day.

But I sense profound change is coming, with more pain.

How Much Do You Miss?

The title question offers so many paths and choices, but ultimately the question is what do you want to know? followed on almost every path by how much do you want to know? and then,after some time and interaction, we can come to the question how much do you miss (or how much did you miss, for that matter, if it matters). For instance, on the single topic of the personal relationship with my best friend (the person closest to me in this world), if you really want to know, you might have missed this... but then, if you read the entries prior to the linked entries, you may find out more than you ever wanted to know.

Boink! :)

Narf :)

not gone, just sleeping

not much change since the this entry as work and softball are occupying more time than every and while there is sadness in not having time (or perhaps in accepting the loses of those closest who just don't want to be close anymore) to stay close to anyone, there is pleasure and satisfaction in the work and the softball... still, the written gardens grow... excitement exploded when a way back to the lost gardens was found... details flow into the other blogs that slip into the daily rush... but bills must be paid and the giving must continue so those afterblog moments that were once (and still are) home come seldom lately... miss it and hope to return one day, but enjoying life elsewhere for now...

As If We Were Always Here

The next entry will allude to the time away from this blog, but if you've been reading chronologically then that might seem puzzling. As is often the case, the confusion is no longer confusion if you understand the process. Sometimes year may pas without an entry and then, when time permits and inspiration calls, a flurry of entries fill the gaps in time between entries. More than a dozen such entries were added here this week because the afterblog just has to be. To keep us honest. To not let the superficiality of the day in this culture swallow the real. What matters most.

Someday we'll all understand. :)

Endless Distractons

There appear to be endless distractions and yet, even when the party is full swing and everything is beautiful in it's own way, the bottom line is real and the unresolved betrayals and unexplained abuse does not simply disappear, even if most people somehow forget (or act like they do). The silence is deafening to those who hear it. Happy days come to an end and the night comes, here, in the after blog, we still wait for the processing of the pains.

Maybe she will someday.

I Was Small Once Too

Referencing The First of May, no doubt. Don't forget... something, but I forget what I am not supposed to forget. I am happier babbling though. Still living through a very challenging year as dangling participles and loose ends haunt the daily living space. A life without resolutions and closures is not an easy way to be. Still, I can remember the simple times, the times before betrayal, the times when hope was the dominant feeling and so real... still, for all the hurts and lonelies, we did find we still had much fun. :)

When Reason Fails

The title may be profound, but like the previous entry, or this one and the ones that follow it, there is sometimes no point other than to shout we are here, we are here, we are here at the top of our lungs in the hope that someone might notice and save us from an endless abyss of loneliness, monotony, and futility. When the body fails, it can hurt. When the mind fails, reason fails, and who cares.

Feel free to convince me the answer is not nobody. :)

Missing Titles Are Signs

The previous entry expresses the truth at the depths of the core as I experience it and it should be no coincidence that it was dated on the birthday of the most gentle adult child I ever knew, a best friend who called me the love of her life even though I said I wasn't. Another BFF with the second F silent. So much loneliness since then, but then, when the core is not shared, there is loneliness even laying next to someone. When the truth inside is not shared, there is loneliness even in when being held someone's arms. Still, as sad as that may seem, I miss being held in someone's arms.

Am I Alright?

Of course I am, I was born alright and don't know how to be anything but alright, deep down. I have earned how to not be alright on the surface though. How to get lost in the superficial drama of human interactions, power trips, betrayals of trust, and so on. Humans can be so unkind. It is a foolish illusion I create and allow simply to fend of the reality of loneliness and the agony of unfulfilled desires. Certainly that is not alright, but that is behavioral and superficial momentary perception that comes from letting go of the core and forgetting the truth. The truth is out there, but even more, the truth is inside. So I am alright, even if I don't act it or remember it all the time.

I still think I'd be better with a partner. :)

is it vulnerable?

after all the writing elsewhere, serious irreverence and vice versa intense and nonsense and blah blah blah and deep meaningful confession, here, alone, i sit back and welcome rest and sleep and you... i mean, just in case you ever find me... the loneliness is light these days because there is so much to occupy my time, work i love and softball leave not enough time for long deep sleeps so fatigue remains high... any meaningful information that might flow in this blog may be on hiatus for a while as i do not have the night time time to focus and delve into myself... still, the night is here, after the blogging, and even asleep, so am i... and i wonder, this time away from myself, here, after the blogging, is it vulnerable?...