and i must have said it before because this blog has been here for years now (going on nine, see?), always wanting more as i do after all the public shows and dances are all done i am still here wanting more love, more sharing, and more fun i am still here wanting more caring, more sharing, and more fun...
i would likely be a lot lonelier if i had time to realize how little i share outside of work and softball, work and softball, work and softball, work work work... yes, that is three days of softball each week (at least)( and six days of work each week (at least) and almost no time for anything else cuz i actually try to sleep these days which severely cuts into any socializing i might do, alas, so i must be quite lonely somewhere inside (seriously, sigh)... feel free to send sympathy cards or sincere introductions, applications for friendship do not require nude photos...
they do, however, require a very flexible sense of humor, an open mind, and an honest heart... dreamers, yes, but good sense and rational thinking and wisdom and brilliant genius (not just genius) and did i mention a very flexible sense of humor?...
there was a time when i remembering dreaming occasionally, but even that was not the experience i've known in this life when it comes to dreams... my memories of dreaming are of day dreaming and conscious dreaming, wanting, longing, wishing for something to happen, for someone to come into my life to share everything forever and ever so completely, they are all that matter... the hopelessly hopeful romantic dreams were never buried, they were always the clear in my conscious thoughts... and still here now, memories of dreaming smile even when they do not come true...
So often I am just filling time, space, gaps. Filling in the gaps of loneliness, fatigue, working too much, not being appreciated, experiencing an aging physical body, lamenting over being taken for granted and used, sleeping on the couch because I no longer feel I am safe or comfortable in this space, and the never ending always repeating pounding of loneliness. Life today, then, is what was and will be, unless the one comes along. So sad, and yet, so full of anticipation, hope, joy, and the excitement of being in the moment, even if it is sometimes buried deep enough to be forgotten for a moment or few. So much unnecessary drama, what is the world coming to... I don't even want to know.
Unless you do.
Perhaps truth is simply the most consistent illusion, the most often repeated dream. There are hints of truth in the madness of the activities we run through in daily life in this so-called modern culture in this country at this time. In the private life, there are challenges that are all too consistent, the people taking advantage of my generosity and desire to help and care. My consistency is the giving, the caring, the love of sharing. Even when it hurts, it always leads to the best feeling I've ever known.
Is that where we all live? Perhaps this is all a dream within a collective illusion. Or something like that. Whatever the real world may be during the light of day, there is another world with blurred edges and considerably less easily defined. Is that world all in our minds?
Afterblog, here.
Twenty-three days just like the first and every other. After the daily blogging and creative play is done, here I am, still wanting, still hoping, still dreaming wide awake of an end to the loneliness. Still awake hoping this is the moment the rest of life, the shared part, begins.
Someone?
For all the luck I've had (but then, it's a matter of perspective cuz I've been amazingly lucky compared to this kid. Haven't you been paying attention? I've been tryng to give you clues (linkage as a road map) for a while now, I mean, does a forest hear the tree before it fell? (if I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true, and help me... understand?) What? The animals distract and steal even more sleep... and time for words. Alone, still, writing.
What? Yes, distractions swims in those dull black eyes, but still, we carry on. There is too joy in mudville, it's just under the mud. Home life disruptions due to destructive renovations, personal betrayals, What? and incompetent management leaves me too bitter and tired to find words, so maybe some future time there will be entries here. What? Where's that goll darn song for myself, anyway? Are we having fun yet?
There's always hope...
What?
Long days at work, still time to play, eating too much, what can I say? Emo I am, food is my friend, alone with the animals, there is no end to the loneliest song ever heard. All it took was just one word (cuz without response, why bother... get it?). I cheated in the daily blog, if you must know (and I obviously must tell, but then, who cares... new blogs are beginning again, in case it matters). So much time with the animals. Time away from here, time catching up, endless words still fill my empty cup, even alone, it's all I've got, so I come here to make it my lot. Maybe I can still make it a lot. At least enough to say I appreciate you. New car, perhaps I am over the shock by now. But how can that be if we never talk about it? I come here to let it out in my own obscure way. As if you always knew.
Perhaps profound, the dog, the cat, the roommate, the hat, the highs, the lows, the river flows, the life, the death, the human breath, the work, the play, what can I say? Sometimes I don't even get myself. But even lament has it's place in the quarter of the kings and queens of hyperbole, or is that hypergraphilia? Not enough time to explain, the passion, the pain, the euphoric rain, the going insane, again and again. It's all there in the daily blog, mostly. And after the blogging is done for the day, here is where we still come out to play, for there is still something more I want to say, even if I just let the music play. Don't give up. Maybe I was only joking. Everyone makes mistakes. Just keep swimming, and believing. Someday we'll all understand (is that splitting infinitives?) lol (such a busy month)...
