yeah, here again

it is not easy to keep wanting after all this time, to still be feeling the loneliness and hunger when time can numb the ache of wanting... but somehow, after the daily blogging there is still euphoria, there is still the sense of sharing and sometimes, a lonely sense of not sharing enough, especially when i want feedback, response, interaction, acknowledgement of me and my existence... the hunger lives... but the world goes to bed and i remain waiting, wanting, wishing for someone to care and share be here now...

too independent

and this title may explain why i remain alone in spite of the constant craving for sharing... i am too independent for co-dependency and i don't know if humans know how to bond intimately and share everything without some degree of co-dependency... it is a delusion, just like the other delusions humans accept and defend - often with maximum prejudice and force... and while the shared illusion of falling in love is one of the most wonderful experiences we can created in this life, it is illusion... denial does not change the fact... alas, when will they ever learn?...

just me

for all the sad (pathetic) laments after the blogging is done (considering so much of the blogging is whining in the first place, but truly, it's better i get it out in words than in the physical sharings cuz who wants to be around a whiner, after all) this blog may be where the most truth comes out (or perhaps not, but seriously) or at least the vulnerability exposed by fatigue cuz, after all, this is the late night after everyone else is asleep blog, ya know?...

well, i wish you did :)

night after night

i record the life, observations, thoughts, feelings, anything that i remember or think about... night after night i write in blogs, dozens of different blogs... night after night i find myself awake after everybody else falls asleep... this is home, wherever i am, long into the night with silent words and nothing else... night after night, ignored...

so sad

this blog can be so sad... just sitting here waiting for someone to share, for someone to care, for someone to be aware that i'm here, just sitting here waiting for someone to... appear... imagine if i returned every night and faced the loneliness underlying this blog, sheesh, what a depression this hole would become... and yet, in the fact that i survive between entries without losing grip on the desire, the hunger, or the optimism - therein is the beauty and wonder and excitement that comes from this occasional expression of frustration and hope that is the afterblog...

to share

i wish someone was here to share
after the evening ends
i wish someone was here to share
just like true best friends
i wish someone was here to share
everything like i do
i wish someone was here to share
maybe it could be you

sleep in peace

the craving to share more steals sleep time again and the body (and mind) will regret it in the morning (already does to some extent) but the craving, anita, but the craving... i sometimes wonder why nobody responds even as i ask is anybody pout there? right next to every new entry... guess a few seconds (or 90, even) are a bit too much to share... so i come here, in the afterblog, singing will no one stay awake with me one more time... so thankful for this part of me, you may never truly know how much... may you have your space for self-comfort too... and may you make time to use it, ya know>? :}