yeah, here again

it is not easy to keep wanting after all this time, to still be feeling the loneliness and hunger when time can numb the ache of wanting... but somehow, after the daily blogging there is still euphoria, there is still the sense of sharing and sometimes, a lonely sense of not sharing enough, especially when i want feedback, response, interaction, acknowledgement of me and my existence... the hunger lives... but the world goes to bed and i remain waiting, wanting, wishing for someone to care and share be here now...

such a waste

all the writing, all the words, all the caring, all the birds... birds?... whatever, we destroy everything, us humans, so why should we even try to actually share anything worthwhile... sad, such a waste... dozens of entries, blogging my heart out, blogging my brains out, blogging my silly meaninglessness out too... only friends would care, so why bother... cuz as usual, after the blogging is over, here we are... alone... wanting... what a waste...

the party of living: so much more

the party of living: so much more is a wonderful life that so few ever have time to explore before they retire and most are way too tired or burnt out to explore after they retire, so enjoy it now while you can :)

i have no idea why that appeared here except that this was the last blog i wrote in before clicking on the "Take This Party Home" (create a link) link on the The Party of Living blog... and suddenly this post appeared here in this blog... some sort of party going on and we're all invited... too bad everybody's asleep, aye?...

and i am still here

and you are still there... sleeping no doubt, or sitting in silence... looking at the hour, when sleep covers most of the western hemisphere, i sit awake wondering why... why we do the things we do... why a child blows up another child... why a man soils his nest... why a woman helps him do it... why a leader does not give peace a chance... why a government for the people allows most of the people to fall farther and farther into debt-slavery... why a people allow the government to stand when it is so immersed in supporting a corporate world that it chews up and spits out a people... why self-destruction is so clearly the human way and why so many people would rather stick their heads in the sand and take it up the ass than face this fact... why we bother continuing to have children when we are destroying the world we leave them... why we empower fear over love...

and we still say... sweet dreams...

this rediculousness

may belong elsewhere, in fact some certainly does, but the fact remains that here we are as dawn is passing through perception still awake and wondering wide-eyed with hope and futility for sharing that may never come alone in a crowd, for crying out loud, just hoping for understanding, just wishing for a friend who cares to be right here, still here, ridiculousness as it may appear...

more than 24 hours awake, a good ten hours of distraction at play with cards with friends after a good relaxing semi-working day and evening dinner moment with roommate best friend, a day that began well as well... yet as sleepy as i am, still, the longing to share more deeper, more intimacy, more honesty, more caring, more trust, more love, more now, remains... here in the afterblog and elsewhere...

waiting for the one... and for anyone who remains...

up all nights

a pattern increasing this week, the nocturnal rhythm has me still awake a sunrise and then waking a few hours later and more tired each day and today i didn't even focus, allowing life to distract me... do i let the week go and start over next week or does this pattern hold the risk of staying in it, apathy, ambivalence, depression... these questions have no answers outside of my head because nobody really knows me... one does try, because she is here, and we depend on each other... but separately, for the deeper abyss is beyond her and beyond anyone i've ever known... the garden where i sing, will no one stay awake with me is mine alone... so the loneliness swirls like a storm...

more alone than ever

as i find myself more alone than ever with no one to depend on and no one to help me and no one to take care of me i remember that this is the way life is for everyone and some are lucky enough to have a partner sharing the illusion that we are not alone, but i've not found anyone who can share the illusion with me... and now i throw myself out on whomever cares for help and we shall see if i survive, but for the moment i feel more alone than ever and so very sad (and even scared and i have not felt scared in over a decade)... sigh...

too independent

and this title may explain why i remain alone in spite of the constant craving for sharing... i am too independent for co-dependency and i don't know if humans know how to bond intimately and share everything without some degree of co-dependency... it is a delusion, just like the other delusions humans accept and defend - often with maximum prejudice and force... and while the shared illusion of falling in love is one of the most wonderful experiences we can created in this life, it is illusion... denial does not change the fact... alas, when will they ever learn?...

obviously lonely

while the hunger the share everything is constant somewhere deep inside so there is always some loneliness floating around like clouds, even when they are invisible, sometimes dark stormy clouds come and swamp me and i just sit sorta brooding wishing someone would come alone someone save my life tonight and all the lonely songs play in my mind cuz only the lonely know how it feels to be so lonesome i could die ya know?... but as harry wisely reminds me, everybody's lonely... that's what it's all about so i sigh and continue enjoying the moments of life even during these storms when there is not as much sharing as i want... i miss music... i miss hugs... i miss loving... cupid shrugs...

just me

for all the sad (pathetic) laments after the blogging is done (considering so much of the blogging is whining in the first place, but truly, it's better i get it out in words than in the physical sharings cuz who wants to be around a whiner, after all) this blog may be where the most truth comes out (or perhaps not, but seriously) or at least the vulnerability exposed by fatigue cuz, after all, this is the late night after everyone else is asleep blog, ya know?...

well, i wish you did :)

and then the night comes

it is not just a love of the night, the dark, the time everybody else is asleep and not playing the insecure human games... it is also because i feel like if i go to sleep, i might miss something, like the one... mostly it's subconscious... as odd ot strange or whatever as it seems, it is as it is as i am as the day rolls into evening and the evening ends and then the night comes...

wish i could explain it better...

will no one stay...

from gesthemene in case you are wondering, in case you are there... will no one stay awake with me? so poignant on so many profound and personal levels for me... awake as in not sleeping as i am naturally nocturnal and am most awake after midnight, but also awake as in enlightened to the experience of being relative to everything in the universe and beyond, and also aware of the eternal infinity beyond the limits of this physical life, as well as more that words will not adequately express... and so far, i am alone here on every level... and while the depths of this experience is not all that this afterblog is about, it is the underlying reason it exists... and as another year of this life begins the question behind every entry remains, will no one stay awake with me?...

so sad

this blog can be so sad... just sitting here waiting for someone to share, for someone to care, for someone to be aware that i'm here, just sitting here waiting for someone to... appear... imagine if i returned every night and faced the loneliness underlying this blog, sheesh, what a depression this hole would become... and yet, in the fact that i survive between entries without losing grip on the desire, the hunger, or the optimism - therein is the beauty and wonder and excitement that comes from this occasional expression of frustration and hope that is the afterblog...

every night

i am here every night though i don't always write cuz sometimes (or maybe most) i believe nobody cares and maybe that is justified because there's no one by my side so why not give up the ghost on sharing when nobody shares la la la la la la la la la la la... don't be depressed, it's only lonely... you might even know someone who cares... don't be upset, it's only lonely... you might even be someone who shares... but here we are again after the blogging stops in the middle of the night when sleep's other shoe drops... and wishes do not wake anyone so i am here... every night... even when i don't appear to be... here... every night... only lonely...

alone

here i sit
so all alone
no one to talk to
no one to phone
i'll search to find
for there must be
someone as lonely
looking for me

here?... where?...

i want to share but no one's here so once again i write... i want to share, hey are you there?... i'm calling you tonight... i want to share, oh fudge, i want fudge too... would you share if i had fudge?... do you have fudge?... where?

was i sad last time?

i don't remember... sometimes i feel so sad after midnight when all i want to do is share with and nobody is around to share as if nobody cares, but somewhere people do care, they just don't know i am here or alive even... i love the night so much, the quiet, the darkness, the stars and stillness and natural world... i am here...

that's why i am here, to let you know...

i am here...

what i miss most

very near the top of the list, if not the top, is sharing... but maybe i meant when i miss sharing most and there are many times of the day or week or month or year and there are experiences during which i feeling the missing the sharing most (like after softball, for one, or during and after a favorite film, for another) and this is one of them... the night... the night is when i look at the phone and realize i don't know any night people any more...

what i miss most is someone who will always be there any time simply because they want to be that friend... and that means any time...

don't want to miss a thing

Every night i am all about the Aerosmith song Don't Want to Miss a Thing" with one thing missing...

there is no one around to watch breathing.

so i stay awake hoping she might show up...

early too be late

it is early in the evening to be feeling so alone when there are so many people awake out there partying and looking for love and whatever, but i am working on the living space this weekend because i haven't done laundry in weeks cuz jackson was packing for her move and cuz she ran out of time for packing and ran out of space in her car, her stuff is everywhere and it's gonna take a while to straighten the place out so i'm all alone this weekend working on the place... jackson is out of contact on a camping trip so i'm on my own in this project of cleaning up her stuff so it's lonelier than it would have been if she was in touch... but this is the afterblog, after all, where no one stays awake with me, where alone is all i've ever known...

yes, feeling alone... and lonely...

but then, fact is, i'm just as alone in all my other writing spaces... pretending people care and are reading the other blogs is just hopeful wishing most of the time... awe, don't blow the illusion, right?... someone cares, someone loves me, right?... right?... right?...

and with a sigh and a smile, i continue...