what's going on?

here we sit so all alone, well, i sit, you sleep... unless you are awake and if you are awake, what's going on?... what are you doing?... are your hands too busy to type and tell me? (do i want to know what your hands are doing?... take a picture if you dare lol)... some nights i just want to play and i shall play with words and imaginary friends (or imaginary readers) when nobody stays awake with me (peter?... john?... james?... oh shaddup lol)... it is now, after the blogging is over (realatively speaking cuz it's never actually over until it's over, as lenny kravitz might have said, but each day, or sleep cycle at least, there is some sort of illusion of conclusion and then, here we are, so there), and i really really really want to know (oh oh), what's going on?...

too independent

and this title may explain why i remain alone in spite of the constant craving for sharing... i am too independent for co-dependency and i don't know if humans know how to bond intimately and share everything without some degree of co-dependency... it is a delusion, just like the other delusions humans accept and defend - often with maximum prejudice and force... and while the shared illusion of falling in love is one of the most wonderful experiences we can created in this life, it is illusion... denial does not change the fact... alas, when will they ever learn?...

early too be late

it is early in the evening to be feeling so alone when there are so many people awake out there partying and looking for love and whatever, but i am working on the living space this weekend because i haven't done laundry in weeks cuz jackson was packing for her move and cuz she ran out of time for packing and ran out of space in her car, her stuff is everywhere and it's gonna take a while to straighten the place out so i'm all alone this weekend working on the place... jackson is out of contact on a camping trip so i'm on my own in this project of cleaning up her stuff so it's lonelier than it would have been if she was in touch... but this is the afterblog, after all, where no one stays awake with me, where alone is all i've ever known...

yes, feeling alone... and lonely...

but then, fact is, i'm just as alone in all my other writing spaces... pretending people care and are reading the other blogs is just hopeful wishing most of the time... awe, don't blow the illusion, right?... someone cares, someone loves me, right?... right?... right?...

and with a sigh and a smile, i continue...

still awake (still longing)

and i am still longing for someone to share it all and alament over the probability that you miss it all, or most of it, no matter how many different ways i try to share it, point you to it, wishing and hoping for your attention... even as as i love every minute of it all by myself, there is the dream of someone staying awake with me and sharing it all...

and it could be that i am just deluding myself into believing my few minutes (or hours, sometimes) a day putting videos online in my own pop news blog (that amuses me with stories and information I find in the news or on youtube or somewhere, some tongue in cheek, some controversial, some serious, some irreverent) or in my more personal video me blog (where I put videos that touch me, reflect me, affect me, and in some ways, represent me)… and the time I take to write words in my current daily life blog which is what it is, a record of the life I live and it matters to me…

even if no one ever cares to share any of it…

and after i do all that, still more is here, in the afterblog, the tip of the rest of all i want to share in the real world... and all the rest of the writings are a fraction of what is offline, but still you miss the bullsugar and all the rest and even the deleted pages (which I will do my best to find and re-upload one day cuz I care, again, even if nobody else ever does), they matter, i come here hoping somebody will find it all and share it all someday…

what?

the long wait alone

that's the rub, after all, for all the brain produces in the words on the web here, there, and virtually everywhere, for whatever it's all worth, the long wait alone endures...

i hope you are loved tonight by someone outside of yourself...

nobody

that is who is here after the blogging is done... during the blogging, at least there is the illusion of sharing because i imagine real people out there reading the words, caring about the mundane details of the life i live as only friends do... and then, after the blogging is over, here we are...