this rediculousness

may belong elsewhere, in fact some certainly does, but the fact remains that here we are as dawn is passing through perception still awake and wondering wide-eyed with hope and futility for sharing that may never come alone in a crowd, for crying out loud, just hoping for understanding, just wishing for a friend who cares to be right here, still here, ridiculousness as it may appear...

more than 24 hours awake, a good ten hours of distraction at play with cards with friends after a good relaxing semi-working day and evening dinner moment with roommate best friend, a day that began well as well... yet as sleepy as i am, still, the longing to share more deeper, more intimacy, more honesty, more caring, more trust, more love, more now, remains... here in the afterblog and elsewhere...

waiting for the one... and for anyone who remains...

what's going on?

here we sit so all alone, well, i sit, you sleep... unless you are awake and if you are awake, what's going on?... what are you doing?... are your hands too busy to type and tell me? (do i want to know what your hands are doing?... take a picture if you dare lol)... some nights i just want to play and i shall play with words and imaginary friends (or imaginary readers) when nobody stays awake with me (peter?... john?... james?... oh shaddup lol)... it is now, after the blogging is over (realatively speaking cuz it's never actually over until it's over, as lenny kravitz might have said, but each day, or sleep cycle at least, there is some sort of illusion of conclusion and then, here we are, so there), and i really really really want to know (oh oh), what's going on?...

obviously lonely

while the hunger the share everything is constant somewhere deep inside so there is always some loneliness floating around like clouds, even when they are invisible, sometimes dark stormy clouds come and swamp me and i just sit sorta brooding wishing someone would come alone someone save my life tonight and all the lonely songs play in my mind cuz only the lonely know how it feels to be so lonesome i could die ya know?... but as harry wisely reminds me, everybody's lonely... that's what it's all about so i sigh and continue enjoying the moments of life even during these storms when there is not as much sharing as i want... i miss music... i miss hugs... i miss loving... cupid shrugs...

so sad

this blog can be so sad... just sitting here waiting for someone to share, for someone to care, for someone to be aware that i'm here, just sitting here waiting for someone to... appear... imagine if i returned every night and faced the loneliness underlying this blog, sheesh, what a depression this hole would become... and yet, in the fact that i survive between entries without losing grip on the desire, the hunger, or the optimism - therein is the beauty and wonder and excitement that comes from this occasional expression of frustration and hope that is the afterblog...

staring into space

some nights are like that, or this, perhaps, just staring into space with so much on my mind that nothing comes to the surface beyond a quiet complacency, a peaceful acceptance of what is as it is and nothing more (except for the all the other stuff swimming through the mind)... maybe it's something tomorrow might explain better, or music, for that matter (talk about opening windows)...

i wish you peace tonight...

here?... where?...

i want to share but no one's here so once again i write... i want to share, hey are you there?... i'm calling you tonight... i want to share, oh fudge, i want fudge too... would you share if i had fudge?... do you have fudge?... where?

to share

i wish someone was here to share
after the evening ends
i wish someone was here to share
just like true best friends
i wish someone was here to share
everything like i do
i wish someone was here to share
maybe it could be you

hello?

i mean, hello?)... doesn't seem to matter in the end the song's the same and i remain alone playing this game of words write to anyone who may be out there words written to anyone to may hear... who may care... who may share...

don't want to miss a thing

Every night i am all about the Aerosmith song Don't Want to Miss a Thing" with one thing missing...

there is no one around to watch breathing.

so i stay awake hoping she might show up...

early too be late

it is early in the evening to be feeling so alone when there are so many people awake out there partying and looking for love and whatever, but i am working on the living space this weekend because i haven't done laundry in weeks cuz jackson was packing for her move and cuz she ran out of time for packing and ran out of space in her car, her stuff is everywhere and it's gonna take a while to straighten the place out so i'm all alone this weekend working on the place... jackson is out of contact on a camping trip so i'm on my own in this project of cleaning up her stuff so it's lonelier than it would have been if she was in touch... but this is the afterblog, after all, where no one stays awake with me, where alone is all i've ever known...

yes, feeling alone... and lonely...

but then, fact is, i'm just as alone in all my other writing spaces... pretending people care and are reading the other blogs is just hopeful wishing most of the time... awe, don't blow the illusion, right?... someone cares, someone loves me, right?... right?... right?...

and with a sigh and a smile, i continue...

sleep in peace

the craving to share more steals sleep time again and the body (and mind) will regret it in the morning (already does to some extent) but the craving, anita, but the craving... i sometimes wonder why nobody responds even as i ask is anybody pout there? right next to every new entry... guess a few seconds (or 90, even) are a bit too much to share... so i come here, in the afterblog, singing will no one stay awake with me one more time... so thankful for this part of me, you may never truly know how much... may you have your space for self-comfort too... and may you make time to use it, ya know>? :}

night

late as the night becomes deeper the music plays softly in the windmills of my mind and the dreams filling the corners sweep the scent of memories out of heartbeats and sweet whispers telling me life can be kind even after all the giving and the taking has left nothing and the working and rebuilding continues until the end there is one hope rising above all the fear and unrequited love and that is the belief in someone who will be my friend...

still dreaming

yeah, it may not seem like it all the time, especially not these days, especially to those who remember me when i would write dozens of rhymes each week filled with optimism, hope, romance, and dreams of true love, but i am still dreaming and if you look closely, you will see...

after sad

often sad in the afterblog, perhaps, as i feel the longing to share more and no one stays awake with me (as that garden song place once again in the rivers of my mind, or should i say those garden songs and references, gibran, nelson, rice, at least), the truest nature of the afterblog may not show through as i do not come to express it nightly and in seldom visiting, the sadness may rise at those dispersed moments... but here, in the afterblog, i find i leave after sadness as i am happy within myself even if no one else every knows or gets it...

you're still welcome and wanted though :)

later

pistachio nuts, water, craig ferguson, still awake and wondering where you are, or where someone is, someone caring, sharing, daring, hearing, you know, someone still awake...

cuz after the blogging is over, i still want to share more than words :)

maybe returning

so what shall i say that has not been say so many times before, or written as the case may be... so rhetorical is the question that the question mark is not even considered and mentioned here as an afterthought... afterthoughts in the afterblog, how appropriate and isn't that the point after all?... oh?...

telling secrets or stating the obvious, depending on perspective... and the few times anyone read the words here might shed some light on the purpose and principles involved, but then, the hope of returning to the sharing after the blogging may be returning, but the sharing remains just a thought in the mind... better than an afterthought, perhaps, and that is a smile after all...

anybody miss me? :)

it never ends

it only dies... or we do, eventually, at least that is life as we know it today and here, in the afterblog, i hope for one last chance to share a moment of meaning and if luck is right, true love...

it never ends...

it's waiting here, in the afterblog, for you...

wired exhaustion

and i was exhausted a few hours ago when i returned from playing basketball after playing softball and having not eated today beyond sugar and protein water, but suddenly i was browsing facebook and watching videos and writing and reading and inspired to think and share and here we are, still wired, even as the body does not want to move...

where are you?

wanting to share

that's when i come here... after the blogging is done and there's still no one with whom i can share, wanting to share when no one is here to share - wonder - does anyone care?... does not seem so when the lights are low and no one is here and all i want to do is show someone i care wanting to share when no one is there, i come here...

nights in white passion

as the music returned, the passion blossomed, and the garden reawakened as if it had never been asleep... the magic sprayed everywhere from every source, from rocks and springs, from petals and perches, the bords and bees brought back the kaleidoscope of emotional power that give life meaning and humanity purpose (even if most sleep through it and call it dreaming)...

you really did have to be there :)