this rediculousness

may belong elsewhere, in fact some certainly does, but the fact remains that here we are as dawn is passing through perception still awake and wondering wide-eyed with hope and futility for sharing that may never come alone in a crowd, for crying out loud, just hoping for understanding, just wishing for a friend who cares to be right here, still here, ridiculousness as it may appear...

more than 24 hours awake, a good ten hours of distraction at play with cards with friends after a good relaxing semi-working day and evening dinner moment with roommate best friend, a day that began well as well... yet as sleepy as i am, still, the longing to share more deeper, more intimacy, more honesty, more caring, more trust, more love, more now, remains... here in the afterblog and elsewhere...

waiting for the one... and for anyone who remains...

too independent

and this title may explain why i remain alone in spite of the constant craving for sharing... i am too independent for co-dependency and i don't know if humans know how to bond intimately and share everything without some degree of co-dependency... it is a delusion, just like the other delusions humans accept and defend - often with maximum prejudice and force... and while the shared illusion of falling in love is one of the most wonderful experiences we can created in this life, it is illusion... denial does not change the fact... alas, when will they ever learn?...

just me

for all the sad (pathetic) laments after the blogging is done (considering so much of the blogging is whining in the first place, but truly, it's better i get it out in words than in the physical sharings cuz who wants to be around a whiner, after all) this blog may be where the most truth comes out (or perhaps not, but seriously) or at least the vulnerability exposed by fatigue cuz, after all, this is the late night after everyone else is asleep blog, ya know?...

well, i wish you did :)

and then the night comes

it is not just a love of the night, the dark, the time everybody else is asleep and not playing the insecure human games... it is also because i feel like if i go to sleep, i might miss something, like the one... mostly it's subconscious... as odd ot strange or whatever as it seems, it is as it is as i am as the day rolls into evening and the evening ends and then the night comes...

wish i could explain it better...

will no one stay...

from gesthemene in case you are wondering, in case you are there... will no one stay awake with me? so poignant on so many profound and personal levels for me... awake as in not sleeping as i am naturally nocturnal and am most awake after midnight, but also awake as in enlightened to the experience of being relative to everything in the universe and beyond, and also aware of the eternal infinity beyond the limits of this physical life, as well as more that words will not adequately express... and so far, i am alone here on every level... and while the depths of this experience is not all that this afterblog is about, it is the underlying reason it exists... and as another year of this life begins the question behind every entry remains, will no one stay awake with me?...

so sad

this blog can be so sad... just sitting here waiting for someone to share, for someone to care, for someone to be aware that i'm here, just sitting here waiting for someone to... appear... imagine if i returned every night and faced the loneliness underlying this blog, sheesh, what a depression this hole would become... and yet, in the fact that i survive between entries without losing grip on the desire, the hunger, or the optimism - therein is the beauty and wonder and excitement that comes from this occasional expression of frustration and hope that is the afterblog...

staring into space

some nights are like that, or this, perhaps, just staring into space with so much on my mind that nothing comes to the surface beyond a quiet complacency, a peaceful acceptance of what is as it is and nothing more (except for the all the other stuff swimming through the mind)... maybe it's something tomorrow might explain better, or music, for that matter (talk about opening windows)...

i wish you peace tonight...

still dreaming

yeah, it may not seem like it all the time, especially not these days, especially to those who remember me when i would write dozens of rhymes each week filled with optimism, hope, romance, and dreams of true love, but i am still dreaming and if you look closely, you will see...

after sad

often sad in the afterblog, perhaps, as i feel the longing to share more and no one stays awake with me (as that garden song place once again in the rivers of my mind, or should i say those garden songs and references, gibran, nelson, rice, at least), the truest nature of the afterblog may not show through as i do not come to express it nightly and in seldom visiting, the sadness may rise at those dispersed moments... but here, in the afterblog, i find i leave after sadness as i am happy within myself even if no one else every knows or gets it...

you're still welcome and wanted though :)

it never ends

it only dies... or we do, eventually, at least that is life as we know it today and here, in the afterblog, i hope for one last chance to share a moment of meaning and if luck is right, true love...

it never ends...

it's waiting here, in the afterblog, for you...

wanting to share

that's when i come here... after the blogging is done and there's still no one with whom i can share, wanting to share when no one is here to share - wonder - does anyone care?... does not seem so when the lights are low and no one is here and all i want to do is show someone i care wanting to share when no one is there, i come here...

nights in white passion

as the music returned, the passion blossomed, and the garden reawakened as if it had never been asleep... the magic sprayed everywhere from every source, from rocks and springs, from petals and perches, the bords and bees brought back the kaleidoscope of emotional power that give life meaning and humanity purpose (even if most sleep through it and call it dreaming)...

you really did have to be there :)

loving it

the wonder of being, especially in the night... and while much of the time i wish for someone to share the moments, wishing or not for company, the moments are amazing and wonderful... if you only knew... you'd be amazed too :)

no pity in reality

while is may seem pitiful that i am out here every day, every night, all the time connected to this commitment to share myself, life, observations, illusions, creative play, and everything and anything in words and no one actually shares, the words appear to fall on deaf ears, there is no pity in reality for i am true to myself, my ideals, my dreams, and my desires... this is the best i can do alone and that is a personal nirvana, a joy, a pleasure to experience... after all the blogging is done, keep the faith, i am :)

alone again, but is it really natural?

as if anyone cares, aye?... i babbled on for years, i wrote letters with all my heart and imagination and devotion to reading and understanding and communicating with people... i care actively, giving away most everything just to help others because it feels good to see others smile... i write rhymes... i even write a daily blog about daily stuff that may seem self-indulgent or boring, but i do it because i want to share life with someone... and still, alone again... here, in the afterblog, i wonder why...

alone

here i sit so all alone
with no one to talk to and no one to phone
i'll search to find, for there must be
someone as lonely just looking for me

this is where i wait

you know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you can still remember dreaming?...

this is where i wait for you.