and i am still here

and you are still there... sleeping no doubt, or sitting in silence... looking at the hour, when sleep covers most of the western hemisphere, i sit awake wondering why... why we do the things we do... why a child blows up another child... why a man soils his nest... why a woman helps him do it... why a leader does not give peace a chance... why a government for the people allows most of the people to fall farther and farther into debt-slavery... why a people allow the government to stand when it is so immersed in supporting a corporate world that it chews up and spits out a people... why self-destruction is so clearly the human way and why so many people would rather stick their heads in the sand and take it up the ass than face this fact... why we bother continuing to have children when we are destroying the world we leave them... why we empower fear over love...

and we still say... sweet dreams...

this rediculousness

may belong elsewhere, in fact some certainly does, but the fact remains that here we are as dawn is passing through perception still awake and wondering wide-eyed with hope and futility for sharing that may never come alone in a crowd, for crying out loud, just hoping for understanding, just wishing for a friend who cares to be right here, still here, ridiculousness as it may appear...

more than 24 hours awake, a good ten hours of distraction at play with cards with friends after a good relaxing semi-working day and evening dinner moment with roommate best friend, a day that began well as well... yet as sleepy as i am, still, the longing to share more deeper, more intimacy, more honesty, more caring, more trust, more love, more now, remains... here in the afterblog and elsewhere...

waiting for the one... and for anyone who remains...

up all nights

a pattern increasing this week, the nocturnal rhythm has me still awake a sunrise and then waking a few hours later and more tired each day and today i didn't even focus, allowing life to distract me... do i let the week go and start over next week or does this pattern hold the risk of staying in it, apathy, ambivalence, depression... these questions have no answers outside of my head because nobody really knows me... one does try, because she is here, and we depend on each other... but separately, for the deeper abyss is beyond her and beyond anyone i've ever known... the garden where i sing, will no one stay awake with me is mine alone... so the loneliness swirls like a storm...

too independent

and this title may explain why i remain alone in spite of the constant craving for sharing... i am too independent for co-dependency and i don't know if humans know how to bond intimately and share everything without some degree of co-dependency... it is a delusion, just like the other delusions humans accept and defend - often with maximum prejudice and force... and while the shared illusion of falling in love is one of the most wonderful experiences we can created in this life, it is illusion... denial does not change the fact... alas, when will they ever learn?...

and then the night comes

it is not just a love of the night, the dark, the time everybody else is asleep and not playing the insecure human games... it is also because i feel like if i go to sleep, i might miss something, like the one... mostly it's subconscious... as odd ot strange or whatever as it seems, it is as it is as i am as the day rolls into evening and the evening ends and then the night comes...

wish i could explain it better...

cuz i want more

i can be sad about the lack of sharing when i want more but then i don't like being sad so i choose not to be sad and it as simple as that when i don't forget i have a choice... there were times when i thought maybe that being sad would help me find someone to share so i nurtured the blues and loneliness much more than i do now and maybe wrote a song or two that would be loved by others even sadder than me and yet... it did not help me find anyone to share more with cuz i want more...

where are you tonight?

will no one stay...

from gesthemene in case you are wondering, in case you are there... will no one stay awake with me? so poignant on so many profound and personal levels for me... awake as in not sleeping as i am naturally nocturnal and am most awake after midnight, but also awake as in enlightened to the experience of being relative to everything in the universe and beyond, and also aware of the eternal infinity beyond the limits of this physical life, as well as more that words will not adequately express... and so far, i am alone here on every level... and while the depths of this experience is not all that this afterblog is about, it is the underlying reason it exists... and as another year of this life begins the question behind every entry remains, will no one stay awake with me?...

so sad

this blog can be so sad... just sitting here waiting for someone to share, for someone to care, for someone to be aware that i'm here, just sitting here waiting for someone to... appear... imagine if i returned every night and faced the loneliness underlying this blog, sheesh, what a depression this hole would become... and yet, in the fact that i survive between entries without losing grip on the desire, the hunger, or the optimism - therein is the beauty and wonder and excitement that comes from this occasional expression of frustration and hope that is the afterblog...

staring into space

some nights are like that, or this, perhaps, just staring into space with so much on my mind that nothing comes to the surface beyond a quiet complacency, a peaceful acceptance of what is as it is and nothing more (except for the all the other stuff swimming through the mind)... maybe it's something tomorrow might explain better, or music, for that matter (talk about opening windows)...

i wish you peace tonight...

alone

here i sit
so all alone
no one to talk to
no one to phone
i'll search to find
for there must be
someone as lonely
looking for me

to share

i wish someone was here to share
after the evening ends
i wish someone was here to share
just like true best friends
i wish someone was here to share
everything like i do
i wish someone was here to share
maybe it could be you

hello?

i mean, hello?)... doesn't seem to matter in the end the song's the same and i remain alone playing this game of words write to anyone who may be out there words written to anyone to may hear... who may care... who may share...

don't want to miss a thing

Every night i am all about the Aerosmith song Don't Want to Miss a Thing" with one thing missing...

there is no one around to watch breathing.

so i stay awake hoping she might show up...

sleep in peace

the craving to share more steals sleep time again and the body (and mind) will regret it in the morning (already does to some extent) but the craving, anita, but the craving... i sometimes wonder why nobody responds even as i ask is anybody pout there? right next to every new entry... guess a few seconds (or 90, even) are a bit too much to share... so i come here, in the afterblog, singing will no one stay awake with me one more time... so thankful for this part of me, you may never truly know how much... may you have your space for self-comfort too... and may you make time to use it, ya know>? :}

the facts of death

good days, bad days, whatever, it doesn't matter in the end and especially not if there's nobody who cares along the way... how many good days go by unshared and sadder, perhaps, is how many bad days have happened with no one even taking notice, no concilation, no comfort from anywhere but within, that end-it-all feeling of nobody cares...

here we are...

after sad

often sad in the afterblog, perhaps, as i feel the longing to share more and no one stays awake with me (as that garden song place once again in the rivers of my mind, or should i say those garden songs and references, gibran, nelson, rice, at least), the truest nature of the afterblog may not show through as i do not come to express it nightly and in seldom visiting, the sadness may rise at those dispersed moments... but here, in the afterblog, i find i leave after sadness as i am happy within myself even if no one else every knows or gets it...

you're still welcome and wanted though :)

your loss

yeah, talking 'bout more words 'n stuff, yup, gotcha some more out there and you missed again, cuz, after all, you missed this one (duh, obviously, as if you cared {enough}, yo... truth, word. hey, right, like could've been mean, aye? :)

no seriously, your loss...

silly humans

the bestest most funnest fun happens after all the other blogs are done, here, in the afterblog, hidden from view (because words are not enough), you might find out (if you stay awake long enough :)

oh so bloatedly

yes, wouldn't it be loverly if someone came along to share the afterblog for all blogternity... instead, i sit here oh so bloatedly wasted on snacks and chocolate milk and fatigue and waiing for that oh so loberly sharing thing i want so much that i just keep dreaming of it over and over and over and agaun...

and you?...

you miss all the fun

and i miss sharing it, but at least i am awake enjoying it... humans sleepwalk through this life and waste the magic of the night... wish you were here, but only if you can be... cha cha cha :)