yeah, here again

it is not easy to keep wanting after all this time, to still be feeling the loneliness and hunger when time can numb the ache of wanting... but somehow, after the daily blogging there is still euphoria, there is still the sense of sharing and sometimes, a lonely sense of not sharing enough, especially when i want feedback, response, interaction, acknowledgement of me and my existence... the hunger lives... but the world goes to bed and i remain waiting, wanting, wishing for someone to care and share be here now...

this rediculousness

may belong elsewhere, in fact some certainly does, but the fact remains that here we are as dawn is passing through perception still awake and wondering wide-eyed with hope and futility for sharing that may never come alone in a crowd, for crying out loud, just hoping for understanding, just wishing for a friend who cares to be right here, still here, ridiculousness as it may appear...

more than 24 hours awake, a good ten hours of distraction at play with cards with friends after a good relaxing semi-working day and evening dinner moment with roommate best friend, a day that began well as well... yet as sleepy as i am, still, the longing to share more deeper, more intimacy, more honesty, more caring, more trust, more love, more now, remains... here in the afterblog and elsewhere...

waiting for the one... and for anyone who remains...

to share

i wish someone was here to share
after the evening ends
i wish someone was here to share
just like true best friends
i wish someone was here to share
everything like i do
i wish someone was here to share
maybe it could be you

what i miss most

very near the top of the list, if not the top, is sharing... but maybe i meant when i miss sharing most and there are many times of the day or week or month or year and there are experiences during which i feeling the missing the sharing most (like after softball, for one, or during and after a favorite film, for another) and this is one of them... the night... the night is when i look at the phone and realize i don't know any night people any more...

what i miss most is someone who will always be there any time simply because they want to be that friend... and that means any time...

still awake (still longing)

and i am still longing for someone to share it all and alament over the probability that you miss it all, or most of it, no matter how many different ways i try to share it, point you to it, wishing and hoping for your attention... even as as i love every minute of it all by myself, there is the dream of someone staying awake with me and sharing it all...

and it could be that i am just deluding myself into believing my few minutes (or hours, sometimes) a day putting videos online in my own pop news blog (that amuses me with stories and information I find in the news or on youtube or somewhere, some tongue in cheek, some controversial, some serious, some irreverent) or in my more personal video me blog (where I put videos that touch me, reflect me, affect me, and in some ways, represent me)… and the time I take to write words in my current daily life blog which is what it is, a record of the life I live and it matters to me…

even if no one ever cares to share any of it…

and after i do all that, still more is here, in the afterblog, the tip of the rest of all i want to share in the real world... and all the rest of the writings are a fraction of what is offline, but still you miss the bullsugar and all the rest and even the deleted pages (which I will do my best to find and re-upload one day cuz I care, again, even if nobody else ever does), they matter, i come here hoping somebody will find it all and share it all someday…

what?

wanting to share

that's when i come here... after the blogging is done and there's still no one with whom i can share, wanting to share when no one is here to share - wonder - does anyone care?... does not seem so when the lights are low and no one is here and all i want to do is show someone i care wanting to share when no one is there, i come here...

not all loneliness

but a whole lot of the reason for the afterblog is to respect the hunger, the desire, the passion for sharing that keeps me awake when all others fall alseep... as if the 'regular' blogs are read regularly and there is sharing regularly, the lament of will no one stay awake with me seems so noble or poetic or dramatic or something... but the sad fact is i am alone before during and after blogging... cuz nobody loves the written word as i do... and nobody wants to share as i do... and nobody is here as i am... at least not near enough to notice... so i blog on the hope it might happen... and i afterblog on the hope it will happen again...

cuz i don't want to miss a thing...

wanting so much to sleep

but wanting even more...

to love and be loved...