i record the life, observations, thoughts, feelings, anything that i remember or think about... night after night i write in blogs, dozens of different blogs... night after night i find myself awake after everybody else falls asleep... this is home, wherever i am, long into the night with silent words and nothing else... night after night, ignored...
and i was exhausted a few hours ago when i returned from playing basketball after playing softball and having not eated today beyond sugar and protein water, but suddenly i was browsing facebook and watching videos and writing and reading and inspired to think and share and here we are, still wired, even as the body does not want to move...
where are you?
yes, wouldn't it be loverly if someone came along to share the afterblog for all blogternity... instead, i sit here oh so bloatedly wasted on snacks and chocolate milk and fatigue and waiing for that oh so loberly sharing thing i want so much that i just keep dreaming of it over and over and over and agaun...
and you?...
that's the rub, after all, for all the brain produces in the words on the web here, there, and virtually everywhere, for whatever it's all worth, the long wait alone endures...
i hope you are loved tonight by someone outside of yourself...
the date, that is, seems most appropriate for the colors of this blog (at least the colors of the moment and i tend to change blogs a lot more than i shange blog layouts... hey, maybe that's one big reason i change blogs, aye?...
anyway, still here, alone, after...
after the blogging is done for the night and the eyes droop closed and sleep beckons, who's still here with me?...
yeah, nobody but me, but in the end, after all the blogging is done, me is enough and that is why i continue blogging, writing, sharing with nobody and anybody... because i can, because i want to, because it makes me happy, because it keeps the dream alive, for me, because me is enough...
even though i want more :)
the words come out, silly, superficial, social, and of course, self-involved, but then, that's why a personal daily blog is about, right?... still, nobody pays attention (or at least nobody says so), so here again, alone in the afterblog... so predictable...
if i was in touch with my heart, that is, if i had time to listen to it, i'd hear it singing lonesome songs... i enjoy the life living moment to moment, the fun of the the games (softball, board, numbers, and so on), the challenges at work, all fun for me... and staying so busy i don't have time to listen or feel what is missing much (focus on and appreciate what is not what is not... that is the key to a happy healthy life) keeps me genuinely happy because i am happy within myself with myself... there is still a hunger to share that is not being fed, a desire to love and be loved that is not being fulfilled, and that is why, late at night, after the blog is over, my heart sings lonesome songs...
luckily i love most of those songs :}
i am still awake because i crave stimulation, intellectual and emotional stimulation most of all, which is why i am browsing the internet cuz if i just wanted physical stimulation i can always masturbate... perhaps there is a way to have it all... playfully, with full disclosure and informed consent, of course... see what happens when i get bored, poor thing, little did she expect to be immortalized in the afterblog... laughter is addictive though :)
yes, my hunger for sharing must be growing because lately, i even check email to see if there is any communication, or any blog comments or new posts to read... i should probably get out more...
plans for sleep do not a rest make... ah, just when i thought i was going to nod off and sleep well and wake early for the gym, i find myself still tapping the keys past midnight as some words inspired me to way and start tying... that was about five hours ago... abd yet, as llonely as it can bem this form of expression is still one of the best substitutes for true real time sharing i know... me and the words, forever sharing, now and in the afterblog...
if, in the end, i came here every night after everything else and wrote something meaningful, something profound, or even just something that i wanted to share, innocuous, personal, general, specific, serious, irreverence, nonsense, or whatever... something just for you, just before bed, just the curl up nod off sweet dreams thoughts that i leave in the custody of your arms as i sleep...
would it matter in the end if you missed an entry?
Sometimes it appears, sometimes it may not, and sometimes we might wonder if it is really ever here.
It is always here, even when it is not.
Waiting up for a word, a kind word, a sign of life, a response, a comment, proof of life, someone who cares and shows it.
after thousands of words I sit in silence and I wonder if anybody really gets me or even cares beyond the self-contained caring anyone can do alone... how much meaning is there in loving for the sake of loving, after all, we can not connect love and be sure of it if we do not truly know what/who we are loving... even if every word is read (and does that ever happen?), how well can we know each other?... how can we be much more than afterthoughts in the real life we live daily (unless the real life we live daily is as devoid of intimate knowledge and sharing as is the literary world online and then, do we even have a frame of reference to understand even the words in this entry?)...
perhaps I would not think so much if someone was here with me now, sharing the getting to know you process... but living alone, what else is there to do, after the blog...
