yeah, here again

it is not easy to keep wanting after all this time, to still be feeling the loneliness and hunger when time can numb the ache of wanting... but somehow, after the daily blogging there is still euphoria, there is still the sense of sharing and sometimes, a lonely sense of not sharing enough, especially when i want feedback, response, interaction, acknowledgement of me and my existence... the hunger lives... but the world goes to bed and i remain waiting, wanting, wishing for someone to care and share be here now...

such a waste

all the writing, all the words, all the caring, all the birds... birds?... whatever, we destroy everything, us humans, so why should we even try to actually share anything worthwhile... sad, such a waste... dozens of entries, blogging my heart out, blogging my brains out, blogging my silly meaninglessness out too... only friends would care, so why bother... cuz as usual, after the blogging is over, here we are... alone... wanting... what a waste...

the party of living: so much more

the party of living: so much more is a wonderful life that so few ever have time to explore before they retire and most are way too tired or burnt out to explore after they retire, so enjoy it now while you can :)

i have no idea why that appeared here except that this was the last blog i wrote in before clicking on the "Take This Party Home" (create a link) link on the The Party of Living blog... and suddenly this post appeared here in this blog... some sort of party going on and we're all invited... too bad everybody's asleep, aye?...

up all nights

a pattern increasing this week, the nocturnal rhythm has me still awake a sunrise and then waking a few hours later and more tired each day and today i didn't even focus, allowing life to distract me... do i let the week go and start over next week or does this pattern hold the risk of staying in it, apathy, ambivalence, depression... these questions have no answers outside of my head because nobody really knows me... one does try, because she is here, and we depend on each other... but separately, for the deeper abyss is beyond her and beyond anyone i've ever known... the garden where i sing, will no one stay awake with me is mine alone... so the loneliness swirls like a storm...

more alone than ever

as i find myself more alone than ever with no one to depend on and no one to help me and no one to take care of me i remember that this is the way life is for everyone and some are lucky enough to have a partner sharing the illusion that we are not alone, but i've not found anyone who can share the illusion with me... and now i throw myself out on whomever cares for help and we shall see if i survive, but for the moment i feel more alone than ever and so very sad (and even scared and i have not felt scared in over a decade)... sigh...

too independent

and this title may explain why i remain alone in spite of the constant craving for sharing... i am too independent for co-dependency and i don't know if humans know how to bond intimately and share everything without some degree of co-dependency... it is a delusion, just like the other delusions humans accept and defend - often with maximum prejudice and force... and while the shared illusion of falling in love is one of the most wonderful experiences we can created in this life, it is illusion... denial does not change the fact... alas, when will they ever learn?...

obviously lonely

while the hunger the share everything is constant somewhere deep inside so there is always some loneliness floating around like clouds, even when they are invisible, sometimes dark stormy clouds come and swamp me and i just sit sorta brooding wishing someone would come alone someone save my life tonight and all the lonely songs play in my mind cuz only the lonely know how it feels to be so lonesome i could die ya know?... but as harry wisely reminds me, everybody's lonely... that's what it's all about so i sigh and continue enjoying the moments of life even during these storms when there is not as much sharing as i want... i miss music... i miss hugs... i miss loving... cupid shrugs...

just me

for all the sad (pathetic) laments after the blogging is done (considering so much of the blogging is whining in the first place, but truly, it's better i get it out in words than in the physical sharings cuz who wants to be around a whiner, after all) this blog may be where the most truth comes out (or perhaps not, but seriously) or at least the vulnerability exposed by fatigue cuz, after all, this is the late night after everyone else is asleep blog, ya know?...

well, i wish you did :)

and then the night comes

it is not just a love of the night, the dark, the time everybody else is asleep and not playing the insecure human games... it is also because i feel like if i go to sleep, i might miss something, like the one... mostly it's subconscious... as odd ot strange or whatever as it seems, it is as it is as i am as the day rolls into evening and the evening ends and then the night comes...

wish i could explain it better...

night after night

i record the life, observations, thoughts, feelings, anything that i remember or think about... night after night i write in blogs, dozens of different blogs... night after night i find myself awake after everybody else falls asleep... this is home, wherever i am, long into the night with silent words and nothing else... night after night, ignored...

cuz i want more

i can be sad about the lack of sharing when i want more but then i don't like being sad so i choose not to be sad and it as simple as that when i don't forget i have a choice... there were times when i thought maybe that being sad would help me find someone to share so i nurtured the blues and loneliness much more than i do now and maybe wrote a song or two that would be loved by others even sadder than me and yet... it did not help me find anyone to share more with cuz i want more...

where are you tonight?

will no one stay...

from gesthemene in case you are wondering, in case you are there... will no one stay awake with me? so poignant on so many profound and personal levels for me... awake as in not sleeping as i am naturally nocturnal and am most awake after midnight, but also awake as in enlightened to the experience of being relative to everything in the universe and beyond, and also aware of the eternal infinity beyond the limits of this physical life, as well as more that words will not adequately express... and so far, i am alone here on every level... and while the depths of this experience is not all that this afterblog is about, it is the underlying reason it exists... and as another year of this life begins the question behind every entry remains, will no one stay awake with me?...

every night

i am here every night though i don't always write cuz sometimes (or maybe most) i believe nobody cares and maybe that is justified because there's no one by my side so why not give up the ghost on sharing when nobody shares la la la la la la la la la la la... don't be depressed, it's only lonely... you might even know someone who cares... don't be upset, it's only lonely... you might even be someone who shares... but here we are again after the blogging stops in the middle of the night when sleep's other shoe drops... and wishes do not wake anyone so i am here... every night... even when i don't appear to be... here... every night... only lonely...

alone

here i sit
so all alone
no one to talk to
no one to phone
i'll search to find
for there must be
someone as lonely
looking for me

here?... where?...

i want to share but no one's here so once again i write... i want to share, hey are you there?... i'm calling you tonight... i want to share, oh fudge, i want fudge too... would you share if i had fudge?... do you have fudge?... where?

was i sad last time?

i don't remember... sometimes i feel so sad after midnight when all i want to do is share with and nobody is around to share as if nobody cares, but somewhere people do care, they just don't know i am here or alive even... i love the night so much, the quiet, the darkness, the stars and stillness and natural world... i am here...

that's why i am here, to let you know...

i am here...

don't want to miss a thing

Every night i am all about the Aerosmith song Don't Want to Miss a Thing" with one thing missing...

there is no one around to watch breathing.

so i stay awake hoping she might show up...

early too be late

it is early in the evening to be feeling so alone when there are so many people awake out there partying and looking for love and whatever, but i am working on the living space this weekend because i haven't done laundry in weeks cuz jackson was packing for her move and cuz she ran out of time for packing and ran out of space in her car, her stuff is everywhere and it's gonna take a while to straighten the place out so i'm all alone this weekend working on the place... jackson is out of contact on a camping trip so i'm on my own in this project of cleaning up her stuff so it's lonelier than it would have been if she was in touch... but this is the afterblog, after all, where no one stays awake with me, where alone is all i've ever known...

yes, feeling alone... and lonely...

but then, fact is, i'm just as alone in all my other writing spaces... pretending people care and are reading the other blogs is just hopeful wishing most of the time... awe, don't blow the illusion, right?... someone cares, someone loves me, right?... right?... right?...

and with a sigh and a smile, i continue...

with or without you

every night i lay down and sleep when i am tired enough and the words have flowed (though seldom enough) and there is time (though seldom enough) the dreams are closer to the surface (though seldom enough) and i sleep, with or without you, wishing you were here...

after the blogging is done, here...

sleep in peace

the craving to share more steals sleep time again and the body (and mind) will regret it in the morning (already does to some extent) but the craving, anita, but the craving... i sometimes wonder why nobody responds even as i ask is anybody pout there? right next to every new entry... guess a few seconds (or 90, even) are a bit too much to share... so i come here, in the afterblog, singing will no one stay awake with me one more time... so thankful for this part of me, you may never truly know how much... may you have your space for self-comfort too... and may you make time to use it, ya know>? :}