yeah, here again

it is not easy to keep wanting after all this time, to still be feeling the loneliness and hunger when time can numb the ache of wanting... but somehow, after the daily blogging there is still euphoria, there is still the sense of sharing and sometimes, a lonely sense of not sharing enough, especially when i want feedback, response, interaction, acknowledgement of me and my existence... the hunger lives... but the world goes to bed and i remain waiting, wanting, wishing for someone to care and share be here now...

such a waste

all the writing, all the words, all the caring, all the birds... birds?... whatever, we destroy everything, us humans, so why should we even try to actually share anything worthwhile... sad, such a waste... dozens of entries, blogging my heart out, blogging my brains out, blogging my silly meaninglessness out too... only friends would care, so why bother... cuz as usual, after the blogging is over, here we are... alone... wanting... what a waste...

and i am still here

and you are still there... sleeping no doubt, or sitting in silence... looking at the hour, when sleep covers most of the western hemisphere, i sit awake wondering why... why we do the things we do... why a child blows up another child... why a man soils his nest... why a woman helps him do it... why a leader does not give peace a chance... why a government for the people allows most of the people to fall farther and farther into debt-slavery... why a people allow the government to stand when it is so immersed in supporting a corporate world that it chews up and spits out a people... why self-destruction is so clearly the human way and why so many people would rather stick their heads in the sand and take it up the ass than face this fact... why we bother continuing to have children when we are destroying the world we leave them... why we empower fear over love...

and we still say... sweet dreams...

obviously lonely

while the hunger the share everything is constant somewhere deep inside so there is always some loneliness floating around like clouds, even when they are invisible, sometimes dark stormy clouds come and swamp me and i just sit sorta brooding wishing someone would come alone someone save my life tonight and all the lonely songs play in my mind cuz only the lonely know how it feels to be so lonesome i could die ya know?... but as harry wisely reminds me, everybody's lonely... that's what it's all about so i sigh and continue enjoying the moments of life even during these storms when there is not as much sharing as i want... i miss music... i miss hugs... i miss loving... cupid shrugs...

night after night

i record the life, observations, thoughts, feelings, anything that i remember or think about... night after night i write in blogs, dozens of different blogs... night after night i find myself awake after everybody else falls asleep... this is home, wherever i am, long into the night with silent words and nothing else... night after night, ignored...

staring into space

some nights are like that, or this, perhaps, just staring into space with so much on my mind that nothing comes to the surface beyond a quiet complacency, a peaceful acceptance of what is as it is and nothing more (except for the all the other stuff swimming through the mind)... maybe it's something tomorrow might explain better, or music, for that matter (talk about opening windows)...

i wish you peace tonight...

what i miss most

very near the top of the list, if not the top, is sharing... but maybe i meant when i miss sharing most and there are many times of the day or week or month or year and there are experiences during which i feeling the missing the sharing most (like after softball, for one, or during and after a favorite film, for another) and this is one of them... the night... the night is when i look at the phone and realize i don't know any night people any more...

what i miss most is someone who will always be there any time simply because they want to be that friend... and that means any time...

early too be late

it is early in the evening to be feeling so alone when there are so many people awake out there partying and looking for love and whatever, but i am working on the living space this weekend because i haven't done laundry in weeks cuz jackson was packing for her move and cuz she ran out of time for packing and ran out of space in her car, her stuff is everywhere and it's gonna take a while to straighten the place out so i'm all alone this weekend working on the place... jackson is out of contact on a camping trip so i'm on my own in this project of cleaning up her stuff so it's lonelier than it would have been if she was in touch... but this is the afterblog, after all, where no one stays awake with me, where alone is all i've ever known...

yes, feeling alone... and lonely...

but then, fact is, i'm just as alone in all my other writing spaces... pretending people care and are reading the other blogs is just hopeful wishing most of the time... awe, don't blow the illusion, right?... someone cares, someone loves me, right?... right?... right?...

and with a sigh and a smile, i continue...

with or without you

every night i lay down and sleep when i am tired enough and the words have flowed (though seldom enough) and there is time (though seldom enough) the dreams are closer to the surface (though seldom enough) and i sleep, with or without you, wishing you were here...

after the blogging is done, here...

the facts of death

good days, bad days, whatever, it doesn't matter in the end and especially not if there's nobody who cares along the way... how many good days go by unshared and sadder, perhaps, is how many bad days have happened with no one even taking notice, no concilation, no comfort from anywhere but within, that end-it-all feeling of nobody cares...

here we are...

still awake (still longing)

and i am still longing for someone to share it all and alament over the probability that you miss it all, or most of it, no matter how many different ways i try to share it, point you to it, wishing and hoping for your attention... even as as i love every minute of it all by myself, there is the dream of someone staying awake with me and sharing it all...

and it could be that i am just deluding myself into believing my few minutes (or hours, sometimes) a day putting videos online in my own pop news blog (that amuses me with stories and information I find in the news or on youtube or somewhere, some tongue in cheek, some controversial, some serious, some irreverent) or in my more personal video me blog (where I put videos that touch me, reflect me, affect me, and in some ways, represent me)… and the time I take to write words in my current daily life blog which is what it is, a record of the life I live and it matters to me…

even if no one ever cares to share any of it…

and after i do all that, still more is here, in the afterblog, the tip of the rest of all i want to share in the real world... and all the rest of the writings are a fraction of what is offline, but still you miss the bullsugar and all the rest and even the deleted pages (which I will do my best to find and re-upload one day cuz I care, again, even if nobody else ever does), they matter, i come here hoping somebody will find it all and share it all someday…

what?

wanting to share

that's when i come here... after the blogging is done and there's still no one with whom i can share, wanting to share when no one is here to share - wonder - does anyone care?... does not seem so when the lights are low and no one is here and all i want to do is show someone i care wanting to share when no one is there, i come here...

the long wait alone

that's the rub, after all, for all the brain produces in the words on the web here, there, and virtually everywhere, for whatever it's all worth, the long wait alone endures...

i hope you are loved tonight by someone outside of yourself...

nobody

that is who is here after the blogging is done... during the blogging, at least there is the illusion of sharing because i imagine real people out there reading the words, caring about the mundane details of the life i live as only friends do... and then, after the blogging is over, here we are...

so predictable

the words come out, silly, superficial, social, and of course, self-involved, but then, that's why a personal daily blog is about, right?... still, nobody pays attention (or at least nobody says so), so here again, alone in the afterblog... so predictable...

a moment

do you know how long a moment is when you are truly alone?

in the silence

live the secrets