i want to share but no one's here so once again i write... i want to share, hey are you there?... i'm calling you tonight... i want to share, oh fudge, i want fudge too... would you share if i had fudge?... do you have fudge?... where?
it is early in the evening to be feeling so alone when there are so many people awake out there partying and looking for love and whatever, but i am working on the living space this weekend because i haven't done laundry in weeks cuz jackson was packing for her move and cuz she ran out of time for packing and ran out of space in her car, her stuff is everywhere and it's gonna take a while to straighten the place out so i'm all alone this weekend working on the place... jackson is out of contact on a camping trip so i'm on my own in this project of cleaning up her stuff so it's lonelier than it would have been if she was in touch... but this is the afterblog, after all, where no one stays awake with me, where alone is all i've ever known...
yes, feeling alone... and lonely...
but then, fact is, i'm just as alone in all my other writing spaces... pretending people care and are reading the other blogs is just hopeful wishing most of the time... awe, don't blow the illusion, right?... someone cares, someone loves me, right?... right?... right?...
and with a sigh and a smile, i continue...
the bestest most funnest fun happens after all the other blogs are done, here, in the afterblog, hidden from view (because words are not enough), you might find out (if you stay awake long enough :)
the wonder of being, especially in the night... and while much of the time i wish for someone to share the moments, wishing or not for company, the moments are amazing and wonderful... if you only knew... you'd be amazed too :)
so very much like the sounds of silence from the old song, yes, hello my old friend, and no one stays awake with me... sadness, yes, but also the bliss of knowing i actualized being true to myself all this time... never thought i'd be alone, perhaps, but we are all always alone, in fact, and this is another reminder...
when you arrive, i hope to still be :)
the date, that is, seems most appropriate for the colors of this blog (at least the colors of the moment and i tend to change blogs a lot more than i shange blog layouts... hey, maybe that's one big reason i change blogs, aye?...
anyway, still here, alone, after...
somewhere in the spring, june or july or thereabouts, i paused in the posting of words online and while i catch up every time (so far, at least), it brings up the irony of the title concept...
what else is there to do, after all, alone after the blog...
yup, just see the previous entry, or the theme of this blog, for that matter... the afterblog is where i go when the blogging is over and i am still alone and there's still more desire, craving, hunger for sharing...
if only to say, yes, i am still alone...
after the blogging's over
after the words are done
there's no dress to look up
no irreverent fun
after the babbling pauses
after the words are through
there's no zipper to pull down
no entendre to misconstrue
after the pickles are sucked dry
after the peaches are licked
there's no head left to play with
no small mind left to trick
life in the blogworld is fickle
funny and strange and weird too
and after the blogging is over
these words are left here for you
that is who is here after the blogging is done... during the blogging, at least there is the illusion of sharing because i imagine real people out there reading the words, caring about the mundane details of the life i live as only friends do... and then, after the blogging is over, here we are...
while is may seem pitiful that i am out here every day, every night, all the time connected to this commitment to share myself, life, observations, illusions, creative play, and everything and anything in words and no one actually shares, the words appear to fall on deaf ears, there is no pity in reality for i am true to myself, my ideals, my dreams, and my desires... this is the best i can do alone and that is a personal nirvana, a joy, a pleasure to experience... after all the blogging is done, keep the faith, i am :)
as if anyone cares, aye?... i babbled on for years, i wrote letters with all my heart and imagination and devotion to reading and understanding and communicating with people... i care actively, giving away most everything just to help others because it feels good to see others smile... i write rhymes... i even write a daily blog about daily stuff that may seem self-indulgent or boring, but i do it because i want to share life with someone... and still, alone again... here, in the afterblog, i wonder why...
if i was in touch with my heart, that is, if i had time to listen to it, i'd hear it singing lonesome songs... i enjoy the life living moment to moment, the fun of the the games (softball, board, numbers, and so on), the challenges at work, all fun for me... and staying so busy i don't have time to listen or feel what is missing much (focus on and appreciate what is not what is not... that is the key to a happy healthy life) keeps me genuinely happy because i am happy within myself with myself... there is still a hunger to share that is not being fed, a desire to love and be loved that is not being fulfilled, and that is why, late at night, after the blog is over, my heart sings lonesome songs...
luckily i love most of those songs :}
after the hope fatigues, the futility laughs and claims the stage, but can we ever know which is real and which is illusion?
and the previous post and so many (most, perhaps) suggest or even state clearly (as if i am ever truly clear amidst my babbling way) said, the craving for sharing, for intellectual, emotional, physical, and that undefinable ethereal stimulation is constant, insatiable, and expressed here once again as if we do not know already or somehow doubted it's constancy...perhaps it is the primary reason for the afterblog, this constant craving for more interaction, stimulation, input (ah, johnny five, i do understand... but do you?)...
i am still awake because i crave stimulation, intellectual and emotional stimulation most of all, which is why i am browsing the internet cuz if i just wanted physical stimulation i can always masturbate... perhaps there is a way to have it all... playfully, with full disclosure and informed consent, of course... see what happens when i get bored, poor thing, little did she expect to be immortalized in the afterblog... laughter is addictive though :)
there i was minding my own whatever, mostly content (even tickled) to be sleeping all night... but here i am, alone, lonely, realizing it is a saturday night and i passed up a twelve hour full day concert with many bands (did i do this last year as well?) and a party at a favorite meetup person's house (which is likely still going on) cuz sleeping was a much better idea for the body... all cuz the big green chair could not handle it's liquor and fell over backwards (with me in it), waking me from some golden slumbers...
and nobody was around to appreciate the moments (or panic, even) and take photos for posterity (and shits and giggles) and one more wonderfully mine saturday night live goes by unshared... sigh and alas and all, even the whippoorwills are sleeping... wish you were here... wish somebody was here... here in the afterblog, where the despair meets the excitement of hope and gives way to the sweet bliss of being in the precious place between sleep and awake where you roll over, cuddle, slide into unconsciousness (golden slumbers, ya know) and know the true meaning of unconditional love and trust...
still longing to be shared...
